Get Henry Morgan Married!
Original Airdate: 05/21/1958
Panel: Betsy Palmer, Bill Cullen, Jayne Meadows, and Henry Morgan
Host: Garry Moore
Guest: Dana Andrews
Not familiar with Dana Andrews? Click here for his Mini-Biography!
Garry: Now friends, our special guest for tonight, a man who is indeed quite a distinguished actor and who I’m happy to say is here in New York at the moment, to soon open in the Broadway hit, “Two for the Seesaw.” Here is Mr. Dana Andrews! (applause, Dana comes in) Now Dana, this being the program of June dedicated to love and marriage, I assume that your secret has something to do with marriage.
Dana: Yes Garry it has, it’s something that bothers me. Here we have this lovely program dedicated to marriage, and there’s one person on this whole program who isn’t married.
Garry: Yeah, well that’s Henry Morgan.
Dana: That’s right. What I’d like to know is, why isn’t he?
Garry: Well Dana you see, Henry’s trouble is, he’s so shy, he’s too shy to ask a girl to marry him.
Dana: I’ll say, heavens. Someone ought to do it for him.
Garry: Well you’re right. And so tonight friends, once again we launch our annual appeal to the women of America, to MARRY HENRY MORGAN! As you know, every year at this time we stage our annual “Get Henry Morgan Married” drive, and every year we fail.
Dana: Well you can’t tell Garry, this might be the lucky year.
Garry: Very well then, let’s plunge ahead. Before we went on the air tonight, we did for Henry what he is too bashful to do for himself. We asked the women in our studio audience to answer this question: “If Henry Morgan proposed to you, what would your answer be?” And each of them wrote down her answer on a card.
Dana: And I have these cards right here.
Garry: He has them right there. Now his secret is, no matter what questions the panel asks, he will give them an answer right from these cards, in the order in which he has them. No matter what they ask, if it makes sense or not. So that’s the secret, let’s get the panel back in please. When do you open in “Two for the Seesaw?”
Dana: Well we’ll be rehearsing all this month Garry, and I’ll open in the show on the 30th of June, that being Monday.
Garry: I envy you, because what a tremendous part that is.
Dana: Yes, I think Henry Fonda’s been giving a wonderful performance in it, and I’m certainly delighted to get the opportunity to follow him.
Garry: Well you’ll do a different performance… All right, panel, Dana Andrews’s secret concerns something he’s doing, and Betsy, we’ll start with you.
Betsy: Dana, are you doing this now?
Dana: “No, I’m afraid not.”
Betsy: Is something that you’re doing, does it involve any of us on the piano? On the…(laughter)…on the PANEL?
Dana: “Yes, I’ll do anything for a laugh!”
Betsy: Well tell me, does this have something to do with the play you’re going into, “Two for the Seesaw?”
Dana: “Oh, you’re twenty years too late!”
Betsy: (very confused, talking to panel) Twenty years too late?! Well that’s very strange… Uh, are you going to use something when you do this?
Dana: “Yes, I’m desperate!” [ ** BUZZER ** ]
Garry: Twenty dollars down, sixty dollars to go, and let’s go to William Cullen.
Garry: That’s part of your job, Bill.
Bill: Yeah it is, it is…and I’ve been doing it beautifully, does it have anything to do–[ ** BUZZER ** ] Ohhhhhhhhh!
Garry: Saved from foolishness by the bell. Forty dollars down, and forty dollars to go and we go to Jayne Meadows.
Jayne: Well now let’s see, the answers that we’ve been getting I’ve written down…but I can’t make any sense of them.
Bill: I can, that’s the trouble with me.
Jayne: You can?
Bill: Yeah, but I can’t tell you. (audience laughs)
Jayne: I see…does Dana’s secret have anything to do with June and love and marriage?
Dana: “Yes, I dig you the most!”
Jayne: (said with an accent) Well I dig youuu tooo! (Asking Bill) [Do] you know what it is? [Because] I haven’t the vaguest idea but I like the way things are going! Dana, do these answers that we’ve been getting have anything to do with what might have been said when you were married? Well they’re very peculiar sounding…
Garry: (to Dana) Does it have something to with what might have been said when you were married?
Dana: “I…I can’t, but my sister will!” (everyone laughs)
Jayne: (very confused) I can’t, but my sister will?
[ ** BUZZER ** ]
Garry: Sixty dollars down, twenty dollars to go and we go to Henry Morgan who has just been handed a note by sneaky Bill Cullen!
Henry: I’ll tell what a sneak Cullen is, I can’t even read this! (tons of laughter from audience) (trying to read note) Slogans in buttons?
Betsy: (reading note with Henry) Slogans ON buttons!
(panel repeats some of the answers Dana gave as if they were slogans on buttons, trying to figure it out)
Henry: Uh, does your secret have anything to do with slogans on buttons?
Dana: “Don’t make me laugh!”
(everyone laughs, Henry tries to smack Bill repeatedly)
Garry: Quickly Henry, one more question!
Henry: Uh, how ’bout, I disqualify myself, on the grounds of stupidity?
Dana: “What a silly question, of course!”
(tons of laughter and clapping) [ ** BUZZER ** ]
Garry: Panel, we are defeated, Dana’s secret is that before the show tonight, once again, annually as we do, we asked the ladies of our studio audience our annual marriage show question: “If Henry Morgan proposed to you, what would your answer be?” (Henry bursts out with a laugh) Dana was reading their answers. (To Dana) Read some more of the answers! These are what the ladies in the audience said.
Dana: “I wish I’d known him twenty-two years ago.” “How much money do you have?” “I think he’s harmless, I’d take the chance.” “I’m not that hard up.”
Henry: I’d like to meet her!
Dana: “Are you sure your playboy days are over?” …and “I’m too young.” That’s sweet. “How about right after the show?” “…(can’t understand this part)…just go away.” “Not today” “No thanks” “Go chase yourself” “Yes, he’s a doll!”
Garry: Henry, I think we will save these for you, you can have a wonderful evening, you’ll probably give yourself a trauma, you can have a wonderful evening reading through these things. But Dana, as a final thing on the show tonight, now you have been married a great number of years yourself, how many years have you been married?
Garry: Eighteen years. Well then, you are somewhat of an expert in the secrets of love and marriage, from observing Henry, what sort of a girl do you think that he should marry?
Dana: Uh, well, given it all consideration, you know as well as I do, I think he should marry a single one, Garry. (laughter and applause as he walks off stage)
Garry: Some of these, you know, you have to edit these, because some of these get to be pretty racy as you go through here. (Garry reads some of the cards silently, and chuckles…turns into a concerned look on his face) Honestly! (tears up card and throws it down, audience laughs) And so friends, until next week at this same time, this will be Garry Moore saying “bye bye” for all of us, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Be very kind to each other would you, goodbye.
END OF SECRET