Jokes by Bill Cullen

Transcribed by: Matthew W. Younce

Garry Moore: It is our great joy now to welcome the fortunate husband of our guest panelist tonight, the star of his own show, unfortunately it’s another network, and here he is, Mr. Peter Lind Hayes.

(Peter Enters)

Garry Moore: I said, “unfortunately you’re on another network,” simply because with the raves that your show has been getting it’s just too bad that you’re not on over here with us.

Peter Lind Hayes: Well, I’ve got a secret, Gary. I’m on daytime television, but if you know your A-B-C’s I’m sure you can find it on the dial.

Garry Moore: He’s a sneaky one, isn’t he?

Peter Lind Hayes: We’re floating a desk again. After all, you spent about eight years on daytime television

Garry Moore: Enjoyed it thoroughly, too. I must say there are Tuesday nights when I miss the desk, too. What are all the papers about, Pete?

Peter Lind Hayes: Well, I’m not taking any chances since my child-bride is on the panel tonight. I brought along a lot of jokes. (laughs nervously)

Garry Moore: What are the jokes for?

Peter Lind Hayes: Well, after each question the panel asks me, with your help, I’ll work a joke, you see, into each answer.

Garry Moore: Are the jokes any good, Peter? Excuse me.

Peter Lind Hayes: Shall we sample one?

Garry Moore: All right.

Peter Lind Hayes: “Say, Garry, did you hear about the guy who once ate a plate of goose feathers?”

Garry Moore: “No, why did he eat a plate of goose feathers?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “Because he wanted to feel down in the mouth.”

(Some audience laughter, Garry deadpans the audience)

Garry Moore: You’re gonna ask one like that?

Peter Lind Hayes: I think we’ve got a goose in the audience.

(they laugh)

Garry: It sounded like it.

Peter Lind Hayes: The idea is this, though, simply and purely, it’s simply this. These are jokes, you’re sure they can’t hear us?

Garry Moore: No they can’t hear you.

Peter Lind Hayes: This is my secret tonight. These are all jokes that were written ten or fifteen years ago, now that’s a long time ago, but they were written by guess who? Bill Cullen. Now, Bill Cullen…

(Audience “oh”s and applauds)

Peter Lind Hayes: Bill Cullen wrote all of these jokes a long time ago for radio, and then you know, the past ten or fifteen years ago, and uh, he wrote them for radio.

Garry Moore: That’s right, for radio. A lot of peple don’t know that Bill started as an announcer, and as a sideline he wrote for such people as Arthur Godfrey, uh, Art Carney and Danny Kaye, among others. So, these jokes may sound terrible taken out of old scripts, but we’ll work them into the answers. Send the panel back in, please. And I hope that you retain your friendship with this young man when the evening is over.

(Panel enters)

Peter Lind Hayes: They’re a surly looking group coming on here, aren’t they?

Garry Moore: Surly indeed.

Peter Lind Hayes: Looks like the Nuremburg jury.

(Laughter)

Garry Moore: Well now, panel, this secret concerns something that Peter…Peter Lind Hayes is doing.

(Bill has seated Mary, I believe, and is now, jokingly, assisting Henry with his seat)

Garry Moore: That was gallant of you. This concerns something that Peter Lind Hayes is doing, and I believe we’ll start with Mary, why not?

Bill Cullen Your grandfather was Rutherford B. Hayes!

(Laughter)

Mary Healy: That’s right!

Peter Lind Hayes: Tippecanoe and Tyler too.

Mary Healy: Wait a minute, something that Peter Lind Hayes is doing?

Garry Moore: Yes

Mary Healy: And he’s doing it now?

Garry Moore: Mm-hmm.

Peter Lind Hayes: Well, isn’t she big for twelve? (Laughter) I’m not doing anything now. But for instance, “say Garry?”

Garry Moore: “Mmm?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “Did you hear about the dutchess who had ten husbands?”

Garry Moore: “How come she had ten husbands?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “She was pretty handy with her dukes.”

(Laughter)

Garry Moore: Yeah, he’s doing it now. He’s doin’ it.

Peter Lind Hayes: I’m doin’ it right now.

Mary Healy: Well, I have to answer, huh?

Garry Moore: Just ask another question.

Mary Healy: What have you been doing since I last saw you?

Garry Moore: Must be answerable by “yes” or “no.”

Peter Lind Hayes: Yes or no.

(Laughter)

Mary Healy: Well, did you have your dinner?

Peter Lind Hayes: Uh… well, let me see… “Say, Garry, did you hear about the new stock market merger? Worthington Pump just merged with International Nickel.”

Garry Moore: “What are they going to make?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “Pumpernickel!” (Laughter ) Yeah, I had my dinner. It was pumpernickel.

Mary Healy: You sure you feel alright?

Peter Lind Hayes: Oh, brother, do I feel alright. “My wife just went on a diet, Garry.”

Garry Moore: “Oh? How much weight did she lose?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “I don’t know, but she has to wear uh.. wear suspenders to hold up her girdle.” (Laughter, Buzzer ) I’m gonna keep this one.

Garry Moore: Yes, I would. Twenty dollars down, sixty dollars to go, and we go to Henry Morgan.

Henry Morgan: (Chuckles) I didn’t marry him. (Laughter) Where’d you get the merchandise, chief?

Peter Lind Hayes: Where’d I get the merchandise… “Say, uh, Garry, that reminds me of the woman who got married because she thought two heads were better than one.”

Garry Moore: “What happened to her?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “She married a man with two heads.” (Laughter) I got the merchandise at the two headed market, I guess.

(Laughter)

Henry Morgan: No, seriously, did you buy this stuff or, did…

(Laughter)

Garry Moore: Did he buy the jokes?

Henry Morgan: Yeah.

Garry Moore: Did he buy the jokes?

Peter Lind Hayes: Hey, they’re not worth that, but, uh… “Say Garry?”

Garry Moore: “Yeah?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “Let’s go over to the bar and have three fingers.”

Garry Moore: “Three fingers of what?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “Just three fingers, I’m hungry.” (Laughter) You know I wouldn’t buy that.

Henry Morgan: You know, Peter, we’ve never discussed this, but, frankly I have been, for quite a while, an admirer of yours. Goodbye, old friend.

(Laughter)

Peter Lind Hayes: Wait till you find out what my secret is.

Garry Moore: Does this have… this funny material have to do… (Laughter) with your secret?

Peter Lind Hayes: Should I answer that before? “Say Garry, the next time you wash your hair, why don’t you just send your head to the laundry.”

Garry Moore: “Why should I send my head to the laundry?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “They do great flat work there.” (Laughter) [ ** BUZZER ** ] I must answer, though, it does have something to do with my secret.

Garry Moore: Yes. Forty dollars down, forty dollars to go and we go to Betsy Palmer.

Betsy Palmer: Garry, I don’t mean this to be insulting to you now ( Laughter), but I know that in your histories and all, they say you used to be a writer in radio. Did you write this?

Garry Moore: Now wait a minute! Now wait a minute! (Laughter ). In my history it says I used to be a WRITER.

Betsy Palmer: Of jokes. Well, these aren’t jokes, I agree. ( Laughter)

(Garry gets up and runs to the curtains laughing)

Peter Lind Hayes: Wait till you hear my secret!

Betsy Palmer: Peter? Are these…

Peter Lind Hayes: Be careful what you say, everything that you’re saying can be held against you in a matter of moments.

Betsy Palmer: No, you wouldn’t do that.

Peter Lind Hayes: All right, hold back now, wait a second. Garry, you take this one.

Garry Moore: “Peter, how come you always give your rabbit a bath in beer?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “It makes him run faster.”

Garry Moore: “How can a bath in beer make a rabbit run faster?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “The beer gives the rabbit…MORE HOPS.”

(Peter holds up a sign saying “PLEASE LAUGH”) (Laughter )

Peter Lind Hayes: I didn’t get the question.

Henry Morgan: I would like to ask… well, sorry.

Betsy Palmer: You can, Henry, because I always interrupt you, go on.

Henry Morgan: Well, dear, I was just wondering was this stuff was from a show that’s going on or has been cancelled.

(Laughter)

Betsy Palmer: Was this ever in a play that you did, Peter?

Peter Lind Hayes: “Say, Garry.”

Garry Moore: “Huh?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “Do you know that I haven’t spoken to my wife for twenty years?”

Garry Moore: “Why not?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ( Laughter) [ ** BUZZER ** ] I think the show has been cancelled.

Garry Moore: Sixty dollars down, Twenty dollars to go and we go to Bill Cullen, please.

Bill Cullen Well… (laughter) In the beginning, in the beginning…do these jokes have anything to do with another secret tonight, like were they jokes that were popular when Mr. Tyler’s grandfather was President? (Laughter) Because…

Peter Lind Hayes: Well, I wouldn’t know about that. “Say Garry?”

Garry Moore: “Yeah?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “What are we going to have for dinner after the show?”

Garry Moore: “Well, the only thing they have at the restaurant is frog’s legs, awk tail…ox tails, or rump roast.”

Peter Lind Hayes: “Then let’s go someplace else.”

Garry Moore: “Why?”

Peter Lind Hayes: “Everything they have is either squatting, wagging its tail, or looking for a place to sit down.”

(Laughter)

Bill Cullen These kind of jokes…I mean the man who wrote these…is long since dead (Big laughter). Originally, because these are what they call “file type jokes.” File type jokes, like Joe Miller.

Henry Morgan: They might be…

Peter Lind Hayes: Wait, did we call for a conference? What is this, they’re ganging up on us.

Garry Moore: Wait a minute, Henry might have an idea, what is it, Henry?

Henry Morgan: Now, one of you guys used this stuff.

Bill Cullen No, they wouldn’t still be around.

Betsy Palmer: Did you use it on your radio show?

Bill Cullen I wouldn’t be caught dead using that!

(Uproarious laughter)

Henry Morgan: (to Bill) Or from your show?

Betsy Palmer: (to Henry) Or from your show?

Garry Moore: What did you say, Henry?

Henry Morgan: These may be Bill’s show.

Betsy Palmer: (to Henry) Or from your show?

Bill Cullen No, I wouldn’t be caught dead using that. That’s Joe Miller type stuff that you get in a book and when a writer gets a writing job and he wants to pass it off lightly or something, instead of writing he looks in a book, and he steals the jokes and he switches the situation and he sends it in and that’s how it’s done…. (Laughter)

Henry Morgan: They’re yours. They might be yours.

Betsy Palmer: They’re yours, because they’re laughing.

Henry Morgan: They’re yours.

(Laughter)

Garry Moore: Each….

Bill Cullen But they all have a certain flavor, there’s a unique….

Henry Morgan: I know these must be Bill’s because it was neither of yours. I know perfectly well…

Mary Healy: I know they’re not Peter’s.

Peter Lind Hayes: They’re not mine. They’re not mine.

Bill Cullen I don’t want them, no matter what you say they’re not mine.

Betsy Palmer: Maybe they’re Henry’s?

Henry Morgan: No, I… No, I was fired for a different reason altogether.

(Laughter)

Garry Moore: Peter’s secret is that the jokes that he’s been telling were all written by Bill Cullen for radio, fifteen years ago.

(applause)

Garry Moore: Bill, it’s a dirty trick. We’ve been through everybody’s files who ever knew you, and we explained that you’ve written for some fine people, but we took the worst jokes we could find, out of context, we kind of ganged up on you except for one cute routine.

Peter Lind Hayes: Yes. This is one that I’ll put my glasses on. I don’t need these for anything except…

Garry Moore: We’ll have to hurry.

Peter Lind Hayes: …reading skywriting. This is a show Bill did with Arlene Francis, called “Fun for All,” and Bill worked on the show with her and I like this. Now, will you be Arlene Francis?

Garry Moore: Yes.

Peter Lind Hayes: Let your hair grow. All right, hey… I’ll be Bill Cullen. Say, do you speak English?

Garry Moore: Sí.

Peter Lind Hayes: Will you guide me through the mountains?

Garry Moore: Sí.

Peter Lind Hayes: Are you married?

Garry Moore: Sí.

Peter Lind Hayes: What’s your husband’s name?

Garry Moore: Sy.

Peter Lind Hayes: Sy?

Garry Moore: Sí.

Peter Lind Hayes: What’s your name?

Garry Moore: Sue.

Peter Lind Hayes: Sue?

Garry Moore: Sí.

Peter Lind Hayes: What sort of work do you do?

Garry Moore: Sew.

Peter Lind Hayes: You sew, Sue?

Garry Moore: Sí.

Peter Lind Hayes: Sy says you sew so-so.

Garry Moore: Sí, Sí, so-so sew.

Peter Lind Hayes: and so on…

Garry Moore: and so on…

Peter Lind Hayes: That was very good.

Garry Moore: Peter, a million thanks to you. Goodbye out there, my friends, we’ll see you next week.

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