Quadruple Cross with Phil Silvers
[NOTE: This transcript was never posted, because it is slightly unfinished with no photos — I have added a gallery of photos at the very end, however. I’m posting it now because it’s better than having it sit on my hard drive. It may contain errors; contact me if you’d like to help finish it.]
Panel: Betsy Palmer, Bill Cullen, Jayne Meadows, Henry Morgan
Host: Garry Moore
Guest: Phil Silvers
Phil Silvers: I’d be glad to. I’ll tell you, during the week, Garry, I secretly met with my friend Bill Cullen. We went to an out-of-the-way ####### and I told Bill, “let’s work out a secret just between us. The other panelists wouldn’t know about it.” So the secret we worked out was that during the questioning, I will be smoking. And I told Bill, anytime I exhale a puff of smoke, you whisper something strange in Jayne’s ear.
Garry: So you and Bill are in cahoots, and the rest of the panel doesn’t know it, right?
Phil: Yes, but I’ve only just started.
Garry: Wait a minute, you say that Bill is going to, that you are going to send him a smoke signal.
Garry: I trust that you are going to smoke Winstons?
Phil: I’d be delighted. I know you’ll be happy to smoke a Camel. (laughter)
Garry: Sure. We’re all R.J. Reynolds together.
Phil: Yes, they’re paying the rent.
Garry: Now then, you say there’s more than the fact that you’re in cahoots with Bill?
Phil: Oh yes. Now Bill thinks he’s the only one in on it. I then called Jayne on the phone. Steve answered, and I got him off quick. And I told Jayne, you know how inquisitive women are, I said, “Jayne, let’s have a ball between us. The other panelists don’t know about it, it’s a secret we’ll share together on the show.” And the secret being, that anytime I refer to Jayne, use her name in any manner, “Hello Jayne,” “Say Jayney,” “#####oh you’re cute?#### Jayney,” she’s to burst out laughing.
Garry: So now you’ve got two panelists double crossing the rest of the panel, but neither one of them knows that the other one is double crossing.
Phil: Only the beginning.
Garry: What do you mean?
Phil: I then got in touch with that loveable bachelor Henry Morgan, I found him in some remote-laid cocktail lounge. And you know how provocative he likes to be, I said, “Henry, between us, let’s play something on the other panelists, they don’t know about it. Just between us, I don’t even think I’ll tell Garry, although I may have to. And the secret being,” I said, “anytime I touch my head, which there is a large amount of, you interrupt whatever is going on.
Garry: All right, so now we have three panelists in cahoots and nobody else knows about it, that’s it, eh?
Phil: That’s right.
Garry: Ok, we’re all set?
Phil: Not quite. There’s a little gal on the left ####### over there named Betsy, and so I called her, a pediatrician answered, but I got him off the phone.
Garry: (laughs) Her husband.
Phil: Yes, and I said, and she’s a very alive, dear girl you know, and “oh the fun of it!” I said, “just a secret between us, Betsy.” And I said, “anytime I take a drink from my glass of water, you raise your hand, and ask to be called upon.”
Garry: So now we’ve got four people, each of whom are double crossing the other three, and none of them–
Phil: Don’t go into it any further, it’s way beyond us, I don’t know–
Garry: It’s beyond me, I know that! Let’s call the panel back, oh no! Wait a minute! First, before we do that, let’s put up cards so that everybody will know exactly what the cues are.
Garry: Could you hum something while I’m gone?
Phil: I’d be glad to. (humming) “Winstons taste good, like a cigarette should, Camels are fine they’re my sponsor, knock on wood.” (audience laughs) #########################
Garry: Tell us about next Tuesday’s show while I’m hanging these up, will you?
Phil: Well I’m actually looking forward to it, I was rather nervous when it was being formed, Garry, but everything has fallen into place. And uh, I have the unfortunate position in the show, I have no excuses, I think it’s going to be wonderful. We have some great surprises, and something that you might be interested in.
Garry: Let’s send the panel back in while we’re chatting.
Phil: Your uh, dear chubby little producer, Allen Sherman who I think is a young man with some great talent, as he proved, and uh, there he is. (applause) He is the producer of the show, and so far everything has been so wonderful and I’m looking for a big cloud, but it can’t be this wonderful, he’s a great boy.
Garry: We might run over tonight because he’s not timing anymore, he’s just listening. All right, panel, this concerns something that Phil Silvers is doing, and we’ll start the questioning with Jayne, I think.
Jayne Meadows: IS doing, Phil?
Phil: Yes Jayne.
Jayne: Well now let me see…are you doing this from the waist down?
Phil: …no, no.
Jayne: Is it a physical thing that you’re doing?
Phil: Partly, yes it is.
Jayne: Are you using your whole body in it?
Henry: (quietly) What’s it to you? It’s something that he’s doing.
Jayne: It’s something that he’s doing and it’s a physical action…
Phil: Jayney, you’re not talking to me Jayney.
Jayne: (laughs) Oh, Bill just said something…
Phil: (talking over Jayne) How are you Jayney dear?
Jayne: Are you using
Henry: Why don’t you get a basis for it, get a basis for it!
Garry: Henry, Henry you turn will come in a moment.
Jayne: Phil, does it involve the cigarette that you’re smoking?
Phil: Uh, partly. Just partly.
Jayne: Are you doing this with your face more than anything else? Your very funny, lovely face.
Phil: Partly, partly. Part of it might be.
Garry: Betsy…Betsy has her hand up.
Phil: You know the secret already Betsy?
[ ** BUZZER ** ]
Betsy: I’m thinking about it…maybe I do.
Garry: We have twenty dollars down, and sixty dollars to go and we go from Jayne to Henry please.
Henry Morgan: Uh, Phil is this in any way observable?
Phil: Yes, it is. And I enjoy talking to you Jayney! (Jayne laughs)
Henry: Does it have anything to do with Jayne?
Phil: Uh…at this point, no.
Henry: Did it at one time?
Phil: Mearly that she’s part of the panel, Henry. (TONS of laughing from audience) I think Betsy has a…
Henry: Uh, I pass then, go ahead then if you’re…
Phil: She’s very anxious.
Garry: Betsy, you’ll have to wait, I mean I’m sorry, Henry’s still on…
Henry: (to Betsy) All right! I’m hurrying! Uh, Phil…tell me, does–
[ ** BUZZER ** ]
Garry: Forty dollars down, and forty dollars to go, and we go now to Betsy.
Betsy Palmers: I’ve got it! You’re smoking a Camel, Garry, and he’s smoking a Winston!
Phil: By george! …she’s wrong. (tons of laughter)
Betsy: It was a good try, anyway.
Phil: How’s Steve, Jayney dear?
Jayne: Just fine…
Betsy: Does this have–
Garry: Cut, cut, cut, cut, we’re gonna forfeit the eighty dollars, because I want to explain, we’re running out of time. I’m gonna ask, Jayne, will you tell what you think the real secret is. Now be honest now, all secrets that you might have had now are out in the open.
Jayne: Well…well I’m in on it with Phil.
Garry: I know…we, we want you to explain. We want you to explain to our audience.
Jayne: Oh, explain to the audience what we’re doing. Well, Phil is a very dear old friend of mine who has been kidding my sister and me for years about our ghastly laugh, and he decided that every time he would say, “Jayne,” to me, I would laugh.
Phil: That’s the secret.
Garry: Panel, do you all want to look over the edge of the desk there?
Henry: I think I have the bit now…
Jayne: Don’t tell me…that’s not the secret?
Garry: No, each one of you was in cahoots, but in a different way!
Garry: Phil, we’ll see you next Tuesday night on the network…and friends out there we will see you next week at this same time, OR tomorrow morning on the morning show. Goodbye out there, take care now!
END OF SECRET